I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
