party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
