Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
