well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
