Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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