Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
