Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
