I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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