sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
