i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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