New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
