i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
