my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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