battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
