I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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