I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
