Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
