My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
