Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Someone came in the potted fern
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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