my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
