My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
