I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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