I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
