He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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