I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize
