I'm really into asian looking animals
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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