Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
