I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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