im about as happy as oj after his trial
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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