The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
