Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
