Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
