A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
