So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
