Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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