Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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