apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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