It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
