She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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