please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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