she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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