God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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