guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
