I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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