And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Two words: blizzard sex
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
