bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
