shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
