all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
