New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
