omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
