I didn't shave. On purpose
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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