It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
