I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
