i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
