Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
