Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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