dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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