I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
